Fight Fired With Fire
by Shini2
Summary: Duo overhears Une say that she is going to fire the Gundam pilots. So before they get canned, Duo plans a little revenge. 1+2, 3+4, 5+SP


A/N: Little Lady gave me the idea for this fic, plus some ideas along the way. :)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing.  
  
Fight Fired With Fire  
  
Duo Maxwell whistled as he walked down the Preventers hallway, swinging the keys to his and Heero's office in his hand. He had just taken his lunch break and was about to meet Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei at Starbucks for some coffee.  
  
He was passing Une's office when he heard muffled voices through the shut door. Curiosity getting the best of him, he put his ear up to the door and listened.  
  
".the Gundam pilots! I mean they're nothing but trouble!" The voice that Duo recognized as Une's said, "I say we fire them."  
  
Another voice replied, "Good idea."  
  
"So, we'll break it to the boys on Friday?" Une said.  
  
"Yep. Well I better get going, I'll see you later." He heard footsteps approaching, so Duo dashed off to the elevator.  
  
Duo slammed his fist into the button to bring the elevator up. 'I can't believe that bitch is firing us! We saved the world! Hell, we saved it twice! And we bust our asses to prevent other wars, and she's FIRING us!' He stepped into the elevator and hit the ground floor. He was still ranting in his head when he stepped out and saw Heero waiting for him.  
  
"The others left. I told them we'd catch up with them. They were wondering why you took so long." Heero said. After noticing that Duo was clearly not happy, he asked, "What's wrong?"  
  
"I'll tell you what's wrong!" Duo shouted, frightening a poor little secretary who was walking to the front desk. "Ms. Let's-Join-Oz-And-Try-To- Take-Over-The-World-Then-Act-All-Goody-And-Save-It is giving us the boot! We're going to be canned!"  
  
"She's kicking us into a can?" Heero asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Duo rolled his eyes. "Nooo, she's 'letting us go'! We're gonna be jobless! Oh my God, I'm gonna be a hobo!"  
  
"Calm down Duo."  
  
"Calm down? Calm down? I can't calm down! I'm flipping out! People aren't going to hire Gundam pilots! We didn't even finish high school, let alone elementary school!"  
  
"Let's just go to lunch and we can talk about this later." Heero said calmly, grabbing Duo's arm and dragging him out of the building.  
  
When they arrived at Starbucks, the others were already seated and Quatre waved them over. Duo plopped down rather ungracefully and blew the bangs out of his eyes.  
  
"What's with him?" Wufei asked Heero.  
  
"He said Une is going to fire us."  
  
"What?" Quatre said. "Fire us?"  
  
"The hell she is!" Wufei yelled. "She's lucky to have us!"  
  
"How did you find this out?" Trowa asked.  
  
"I overheard her talking to some dude in her office. She said we're nothing but trouble and she's gonna fire us on Friday." Duo said, his anger rising again. "But let me tell you, Duo Maxwell doesn't go down that easy."  
  
Heero sighed. "Uh oh."  
  
Quatre put a hand on Duo's shoulder. "Now Duo, you're not going to do anything stupid are you?"  
  
Duo smiled. "No, I'm going to do something fun. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not going to sit around and do nothing while Une throws us out like yesterday's trash!" He stood up. "So who's with me?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Aww come on guys! It's not like were gonna get suspended from work or anything! I mean, we are getting fired."  
  
Silence.  
  
Duo pouted. He climbed in Heero's lap and gave him the infamous puppy dog look. "Please Hee-chan?"  
  
Heero sighed. ".Fine."  
  
"Yay!" Duo hugged Heero tightly and then looked at the other three. "Any others?"  
  
Unnoticed by Duo, Heero was giving them all a death glare, so they all reluctantly said yes.  
  
"Okay! Hey Quat, I'm gonna need some supplies from your house." Duo said, his violet eyes sparkling with mischief.  
  
"Supplies? Like what?" Quatre asked.  
  
"The usual. Toilet paper, eggs, and maybe some spray paint. I'd get it from our apartment, but we're running kind of low."  
  
Quatre sighed heavily. "Alright, but don't take it all."  
  
"Thanks Quat, I owe ya one. The mission starts at Thursday at midnight. Everyone will meet at the park down the street. I'll take care of everything else. Clear?" Duo said and everyone nodded and mumbled 'clear'.  
  
***  
  
It was Thursday night and Duo was packing rolls of toilet paper into a big plastic bag when he felt two strong arms encircle his waist. He leaned back against Heero's strong chest and heard Heero whisper in his ear.  
  
"You're cute when you're evil."  
  
Duo chuckled and Heero spun him around in his arms. Their lips met in a slow kiss that slowly gained momentum. Heero was just running his hands under Duo's thin shirt when the giant bag of toilet paper fell on them, making them fall over and causing the white rolls to bounce and roll away. Heero grunted and Duo laughed. "Hn." Heero said, straddling Duo's hips, "I like this position better anyway."  
  
***  
  
"Leave it to Duo to find the most immature way to get back at someone." Quatre said amusedly.  
  
"Well, if he didn't, he wouldn't be Duo." Trowa said, taking Quatre's hand as they walked to the park.  
  
"I hope we don't get caught."  
  
"Don't worry so much little one."  
  
Quatre smiled at the nickname. "I guess you're right. We are teenagers after all."  
  
***  
  
Wufei slid out of bed silently, trying not to wake Sally up. He failed miserably.  
  
"Fei?" Sally mumbled sleepily. "Can't you go to the bathroom before we go to sleep."  
  
"Sorry." Wufei whispered. "Just go back to sleep."  
  
"Mmm."  
  
Wufei tiptoed down the hall, grabbing his jacket and slipping it on. And since the Chinese ex-pilot was not the stealth expert, he knocked over the coat rack and it fell to the floor with a loud 'bang'.  
  
"Shit!" Wufei cursed as he tried to set it back up and slip out the door without Sally getting up. He failed again.  
  
"I believe you passed the bathroom by a few yards."  
  
Wufei turned around.  
  
"I know about the middle of the night TP adventure you and the guys are going on."  
  
"Oh. So, you don't care?"  
  
"Well no. Actually I'd love to be there just to see the look on her face. But I'd like it if you told me where you're going so I don't think you slipped on the soap and got knocked out again or something."  
  
Wufei looked down. "Sorry." He walked over and kissed her. "Well," he said, keeping his arms around her waist, "you don't have to miss her face. Wanna come?"  
  
Sally's face lit up. "Sure!" She took off her bathrobe, and she had a black outfit on underneath. "Well, let's go!"  
  
Wufei blinked. "Interesting choice of pajamas."  
  
Sally pinched his cheek. "Well if I didn't know my cutie pie so good, I wouldn't have been able to guess what he's going to do!"  
  
Wufei just chuckled and led her out the door.  
  
***  
  
Trowa checked his watch. 12:23 AM.  
  
Wufei snorted. "You know, it was his idea, and he's late as usual."  
  
Sally laughed. "Were you expecting otherwise?"  
  
Just as Sally finished that sentence, Duo and Heero ran up to them, their clothes looking a bit disheveled.  
  
"Sorry we're late, we got.uhh.sidetracked." Duo said, throwing the giant bag of toilet paper on the ground. Heero was carrying the bags with the other spray paint and eggs.  
  
"Why am I not surprised?" Wufei grunted.  
  
"Anyhoo, let's roll!" Duo tossed the toilet paper over to Wufei, who caught it and glared at the braided teen. Duo reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper. "Okay, its not too long of a walk. Fifteen minutes at the most."  
  
And so the five former Gundam pilots, with one Sally Po, set off to Une's house.  
  
As they turned the corner to the head Preventer's house, Duo stopped.  
  
"Holy shit!"  
  
They all stared up at the massive brick mansion that stood before them. It easily spanned the area of at least six decent sized houses across, and was two stories high.  
  
"Um, I hate to break it to you guys, but I didn't get enough toilet paper for this."  
  
"So?" Wufei asked. "We'll use what we have."  
  
Duo sighed. "Wufei my man, when you roll someone's house, you do it right."  
  
"Well then, go buy some more."  
  
"I would, but I don't have any cash on me." Duo looked around and spotted a 7-11 on the corner of a nearby street. "Well, I could always use the five- finger discount!"  
  
Wufei lifted an eyebrow. "Five-finger discount?"  
  
"He means stealing." Heero said.  
  
The lifted eyebrows drew together in frustration. "Have you no honor Maxwell?"  
  
"Not since I last checked." Duo said and smirked. "You guys start without me, I'll go get us more ammo."  
  
Quatre sighed as Duo silently made his way to the store. "Une was right. Duo is nothing but trouble."  
  
***  
  
Duo casually walked in the 7-11. He strolled down to the toiletry aisle and looked around. The clerk walked to the back and Duo opened the nearby window. "Jeez, it's like they ask you to take their stuff." He grabbed a bunch of toilet paper packages and tossed them out of the window and onto the side parking lot. After making sure he had enough (and pretty much cleaning the shelf) he started out of the store. On a spur of the moment thought, he made himself a slushie real quick, grabbed some seran wrap, and left. He went around to the side and looked at the pile of toilet paper. "Now how in the hell am I gonna carry all these back?"  
  
***  
  
Heero caught the flying roll of white paper that flew over the house courtesy of Trowa. He chucked it upwards, making it fly over the house again. They repeated this process until the roll was gone. Then they started another one.  
  
Quatre eyed the egg in his hand. "I don't know about this."  
  
"Come on Quatre!" Sally said, whipping an egg at the Mercedes C-Class in the driveway. "Live a little!"  
  
Quatre closed his eyes and threw the egg lightly at the expensive car. It fell and broke a few feet short of the vehicle.  
  
Sally rolled her eyes. "Honestly Quatre, sometimes you're too nice!" She grabbed another egg, put it in Quatre's hand, and made his arm throw the egg. It landed on the driver's window, causing the yolk to smear the glass.  
  
Quatre stared. That was actually kind of.exciting. He picked up another egg and threw it at the windshield. It shattered all over.  
  
"There ya go!" Sally said happily, throwing another egg at the passenger window.  
  
Wufei shook the can of spray paint, pondering what to write on the mansion. If he was going to do this, like Maxwell said, he might as well do it right. He took off the cap and held it a couple of inches from the brick and wrote in bright green paint: 'Assface'  
  
Wufei viewed his handiwork. "Not too shabby, Chang."  
  
"I never thought you had it in you Wuffie!"  
  
Wufei turned around to see Duo who was hauling packages of toilet paper over and tossing them in a pile. "How did you get all that over here so quick?"  
  
"I borrowed a car." Duo said, grabbing a can of orange paint.  
  
"You not only stole the toilet paper, but you hijacked a car?"  
  
"Hey! I returned it after I got it here!" Duo started writing 'Tight-Ass' on the wall. "And I also got some seran wrap for her car!"  
  
Wufei rolled his eyes. "Where do your foolish pranks stop?" Duo just laughed.  
  
Heero and Trowa were about halfway done when Sally and Quatre started helping out with the toilet paper. Duo took over the car and Wufei continued with the graffiti, writing such phrases as 'Bitchy Dumbass Mother Fucker', 'Princess Leia', 'Hitler', 'Fuck This Shit' and 'Pussy.'  
  
Duo shook up the orange can he still had and sprayed 'Slut Box' on the bumper, and 'Whore' on the license plate. After that was accomplished, he took out the seran wrap and began wrapping her car.  
  
*** Mariemaia bolted up in bed when she heard sounds outside her window. She slowly peeked out and saw six shadowy figures outside. She clamped her hand on her mouth before she could scream, and ran to her bedside phone. She dialed 9-1-1 and waited impatiently.  
  
"Hello? State your emergency."  
  
"There're burglars outside my house!"  
  
***  
  
Duo was just finishing up sprayed all of Une's beautiful red roses assorted colors such as orange, purple, and green, when he heard police sirens approaching.  
  
"SHIT!" he yelled, dropping the can and running to the others. "The pigs are here!"  
  
"What?" Wufei yelled. "Maxwell! I knew this was a bad idea!"  
  
"There's no time for blaming each other!" Quatre said, separating the two before they killed each other.  
  
"Screw this, I'm applying at Chuckie Cheese's." Trowa said, running behind the house and through the back gate.  
  
"TROWA! COME BACK!" Duo screamed. "Damnit!" He spun around to see a flashlight in his face. He put his hands in the air. "Hey! Kinda late for a cruise, dontcha think?"  
  
"Everyone! Hands up!" A tall policeman said, drawing his gun.  
  
"Hey, guy with the spandex, you too!" Another one said. Heero slowly raised his arms.  
  
All of a sudden, the front door opened and a very pissed-off looking Lady Une came out. "What is goin-HOLY HELL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!"  
  
"Uh, hey boss!" Duo said.  
  
"Excuse me Miss, but do you know these people?" The tall officer asked.  
  
Une smiled. "No sir, I've never seen them in my life."  
  
"Oh come on!" Sally said. "You bitch!"  
  
"This is all your fault Maxwell!" Wufei lunged at Duo, but an officer caught him and held him down to the ground. "Get off of me you pig!"  
  
"What did you call me?" The man said.  
  
"A smelly fucking P-I-G!"  
  
"You moron." Sally said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Never call him that to his face." Duo said.  
  
"Well, I would like to get some sleep, so could you please get these hooligans off of my property?" Une said, crossing her arms.  
  
"Yes ma'am!" The officer said, cuffing Wufei's wrists together.  
  
Wufei struggled to get out of the officer's grip. "This is injustice!"  
  
The policeman glared at him. "Don't you know you have the right to remain silent."  
  
While Wufei was still ranting, the other officer cuffed Duo, Heero, Quatre, and Sally. They were all escorted to squad cars.  
  
"If I were you I'd separate those two," Sally said, nodding her head to Heero and Duo. "Unless you want them getting frisky on the way to the station."  
  
Duo rode with Wufei.  
  
At the station, Duo walked up to the tall policeman that Wufei had called a pig. "Don't we get a phone call?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay, do you have a phone book?"  
  
A few minutes later, Duo came back into the cell with the others.  
  
"Who'd you call?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Well, I tried Chuckie Cheese's, but it's not open, so I ordered a pizza." Duo said, sitting down on the uncomfortable bench.  
  
"You ordered a pizza?" Wufei yelled.  
  
"Hey, I put it on Une's tab!"  
  
Sally just shrugged.  
  
"So now what do we do?" Heero said.  
  
"Wait for Trowa?" Quatre suggested. "He'll know we're here sooner or later."  
  
They were silent for a while until Duo spoke up. "Hey, look on the bright side! At least we're not in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison with some huge guy named Frank sitting next to ya!"  
  
Wufei smacked Duo's head.  
  
***  
  
After a very, very long night, Duo awoke with a huge cramp in his neck and back. He looked around to see everyone still sleeping. A policeman was sitting on the desk, reading the morning paper. After seeing the front page, Duo almost shit himself.  
  
There he was, with Heero, Quatre, Wufei and Sally, right smack on the front page. He had his hands in the air, a spray paint can in his one hand and a empty seran wrap box in his other.  
  
"Wow. They're fast." Duo mused. He nudged Heero awake.  
  
"What?" he grunted.  
  
"Look, we're famous! Again!" Duo said, pointing at the paper.  
  
"Good God."  
  
"Aww," Sally said after waking up and seeing the paper, "They didn't get my good side!"  
  
Quatre smacked his forehead. "Rashid is going to kill me!"  
  
"Yeah well I think Wuffles here is going to kill me first." Duo said, getting on the far end of the tiny cell, away from Wufei. He peeked out from in between the bars. "Hey Mr.? Do we get conjugal visits?"  
  
The officer just glared at Duo annoyingly and continued reading.  
  
"When we get out of here Maxwell, I'm going to choke you with that braid of yours." Wufei spat, glaring at Duo.  
  
"Good! Then you will go to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison!" Duo spat back. "Say hi to Frank for me!"  
  
"Enough!" Quatre yelled, separating the two again.  
  
"Just let them fight." Heero said.  
  
"Yeah," Sally said, "It'll be funny."  
  
Quatre rolled his eyes.  
  
Just then, they all heard high heels clicking on the floor, and Une came in the room. They all stared up at her.  
  
She stared right back. "You're late for work."  
  
"Oh gee, I wonder why!" Sally said sarcastically.  
  
Une furrowed her eyebrows. "Where's Barton?"  
  
Duo snorted. "Took off like a pussy."  
  
"Hey!" Quatre said, trying to defend Trowa.  
  
"Anyway, since you've probably all learned your lesson, I've decided to bail you out."  
  
"Yes!" Duo said.  
  
"I want you all in my office ASAP." And with that, she left the room.  
  
The officer at his desk pulled out a key and unlocked the cell door. They all ran out as quick as possible.  
  
***  
  
Once they were all in Lady Une's office, Une closed the door and looked at the five people in chairs. "So," she began, "Why in the hell would you toilet paper your bosses house, right before you were going to be promoted?"  
  
Duo paled. "Promoted?"  
  
"Yes Maxwell, Promoted."  
  
Wufei's face was turning a very dark shade of red. "MAXWELL!"  
  
"Whoa Khemosabi!" Duo said, trying to calm the raging Chinese man down. "But wait, I heard you say we were nothing but trouble!"  
  
"I said the people ahead of you were nothing but trouble, and we should replace them with the Gundam pilots!" Une explained.  
  
"Oh." Duo said sheepishly.  
  
"You can strangle him later Chang," Une said, "but not while I'm talking."  
  
"Yes ma'am." He said reluctantly.  
  
"Now, since I am a loving a gracious boss, I am still going to promote all of you."  
  
"Wow." Sally said.  
  
"And I have your first mission assignment right here." She said, holding up a folder. She opened it up and, in big bold red letters, it said: 'Clean Up My House!'  
  
"Aww shit." Duo said. "That's going to take forever!"  
  
"I know. This assignment applies to everyone except Wufei."  
  
"Score!" Wufei yelled, while doing the cha-ching thing.  
  
"Mr. Chang, you have a special assignment from the County Police Department."  
  
"Score!" Sally yelled, while doing the cha-ching thing. Wufei glared.  
  
Une handed Wufei a folder and turned to the rest of the group. "Now, you have your orders, you are dismissed." And before they left, she added, "Oh, and by the way, I got the bail money from your paychecks."  
  
"Damnit!" Duo cursed.  
  
***  
  
A young girl, around the age of 10, held her mother's hand as she crossed the street. "Hey mommy?"  
  
"Yes sweetie?"  
  
"Is that man homeless?" she asked, pointing to a Chinese man on the corner of the busy intersection. He was in a small pen with a big fat pig, holding up a cardboard sign that said: 'Policemen are not pigs.'  
  
"No honey, he's not homeless."  
  
"Okay!" The little girl said, bouncing past the angry Oriental man. When they rounded the corner, they stepped inside of a colorful building and stood in a line. When they got to the desk, a young teenager greeted them.  
  
"Hello, welcome to Chuckie Cheese's. My name is Trowa, how may I help you?"  
  
The End 


End file.
